There are times when “overwhelmed” feels like an understatement. I consider myself extremely blessed; so I don’t want to come off as complaining. I do however want to acknowledge the pressure and emotions of overwhelm I face. We breathe by inhaling AND exhaling.
So let me breathe for a minute.
I feel internal pressure to measure up. To be perceived as intelligent, valuable, hardworking. To be judge a dynamic employee. A Great Mom. A Strong Woman. My desires and passions also apply a degree of pressure. Pressure to create NOW for fear of never accomplishing. Pressure to create NOW just because it’s easy and enjoyable.
I find myself sleep-deprived with headaches. Headaches from worry. Headaches from insecurities. Headaches from the pressure inside.
I currently have no idea how I’m going to wean my daughter from nursing or get her potty and sleep-trained this month. But it’s a goal. It’s time for her to be weaned. I need it. She needs it. It’ll add to better sleep for both of us. In addition, I feel external pressure and judgement for nursing this long. I’m trying not to let negative perceptions about breastfeeding into toddlerhood add to the pressure I already feel.
I want my daughter to have an enjoyable, learning-filled summer. I want to enjoy her and enjoy nurturing and teaching her. But with this too has come pressure. Pressure to quickly finish and present an excellent plan. This pressure I feel and am moved by at times, but have largely resisted for myself and for other parents who are journeying with me. We will resist PRESSURE and instead be patient with ourselves and our children even as we are intentional about preparing for progress this summer.
I feel pressure to always be at work. I never want anyone to see or think less of my efforts. I’ve always felt the pressure to work twice as hard and prove my value and deservingness to take up space…to be at the table. But why? Because I’m woman? Because I’m black? Because of insecurities? Why the need for so much validation? That need drives a pressure to always be on.
Even as I write and identify sources, I am resisting the pressure.
I will WRITE myself out of overwhelm and into peace. I WRITE myself into self-acceptance and self-respect. I WRITE myself into right perspective. I WRITE myself into a space of grace and self love. I WRITE myself to a better headspace that allows me to be good to myself even as I endeavor to be good to those around me. As I write…as I have written, pressure has relaxed in my head. A little Ibprofen and my laptop and I’m feeling better. No longer overwhelmed. Back to a place of calm. Choosing peace and incremental change as my way of navigating and accomplishing my goals.
I still don’t know how I’m going to accomplish weaning, potty-training, sleep-training, or the summer I’m endeavoring to create. It’ll all get done though. The process and end may look differently than I picture at times, but I’m okay with that. In place of pressure I have hope and grace. In place of overwhelm I now have peace.
