Places of Inspiration

Jewels from fellow creatives…

I so appreciate this interview. Maybe one day, I’ll have more time to share why.

This interview inspired this poem…

Birthday Wish

by Ashley Jataun Moore Ellis

For my 40th

I'd love to…

My soul needs to…

Get it's Andre 3000, walking-for-miles-playing-my-flute on.

Free.

I need to get my “Eat-Pray-Love” on.

Finding myself again.

Exhaling.

Crying.

Letting it all out.

Laughing.

Breathing.

Dancing.

Hair hanging down.

Free.

Deeply inhaling and exhaling.

Being.

Simply being.

Toes in the sand,

Grounded.

Enough.

Letting healing in its fullness heal me.

Letting God with all His goodness

Fill me.

That I may move forward

Operating out of His overflow

An Overflow of “For-A-Time-Such-As-This” type of works,

Art,

Creativity,

Being.

I close this post with a memory documented on Instagram.

The picture below is from 2017. I was working on my own creative aspirations with a friend at a local coffee shop, and who did we happen to meet?!

Paradox Within

Most days I feel like a paradox within- filled with so much promise, potential, power…filled with so many hopes, ideas, talents…filled with so much love, goodness, and genuine care for others…And yet, insecurities, people pleasing, and various forms of fear seem to be so seeped into my being that when promise arises so do threats. When potential is recognizable so is the risk of failure. When power wells within, insecurities seem to race to be the ones that show up on the surface. When hopes and dreams arise, doubt, fear, and past disappointments run to join them. When my gifts or talents are acknowledged, knowledge of or reminders of my weaknesses are never far away.

Nevertheless, I have hope: hope that the good in me and at work on my behalf will swallow up any and everything that tries to impede growth, authenticity, love, and the fulfillment of God’s purpose for my life. I don’t always feel confident; nevertheless, I have settled within myself to go on anyway. I’ve settled within myself that I am enough- more than enough- and that I am GOOD. WORTHY OF LOVE. A VESSEL OF LOVE TO OTHERS, and CREATED WITH A PURPOSE THAT I WILL FULFILL.

Those beliefs ground me.

They enable me to push pass my mistakes, insecurities, and doubts. They move me forward into the fruition of visions and dreams and the manifestation of purpose. They move me through and over any and everything that would hold me down or back. They are the reminders that what is in me is bigger than me- the fulfillment of purpose is not just for me. It’s for God’s glory. It’s for those I’m called to touch, help, and encourage. It’s for the betterment of my family and the generations that come after me. And yes, it is for my good too.

Therefore, I work through the paradoxes. I acknowledge them. I neither deny nor hide from them. I use them to connect with others as well as to demonstrate that God can take the life of a fallible human with willing hands and heart and accomplish great things.

Defeat by AJM Ellis

DEFEAT is a feeling
That starts to rise
Around the third time I'm awaken
In the middle of the night
Playing on exhaustion
It wearies my eyes and sinks my heart
More and more
With every hour hand that pushes
Closer to the time set by my alarm

Defeat is a deceptive voice
That whispers at times I'm most fatigued
Reminding me of things left undone
And the time that has already gone by

Defeat is the monster under my bed
Threatening to take me out
Swallow me whole
Tempting to paralyze me with fear

But as I turn the light switch on
Letters and impact start to fade

Defea...
I humble myself in prayer

Defe
I remind myself it is "IN HIM that I live and move and have my being" and that my sufficiency is IN HIM, that I overcome BY HIS POWER AND MIGHT

Def
I look at that things that keep waking me up and CHOOSE gratitude instead- gratitude for being entrusted with stewardship and responsibility. I lean into that entrustment and entrust the ability to carry out that responsibility to God.

De
I lay back down with the time I have left and choose to REST. RELY on God.. ENTER His rest. SAY what He says about myself, situations and others. TRUST Him, the process, and myself/what He has put in me.

D
I wake up at the sound of my alarm. Give the new day to God. Get out of bed and Go again

I defeat Defeat by getting up again. Going again. Trusting. Resting. Believing. Walking in my victory.

I am not and will not be defeated.
I conquer and thrive and win
All by RESTing in Him.

Enough

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough

Enough time, energy, capacity

Enough know-how, where-with-all

Enough courage, back-bone, bite

Enough preparation, discipline, consistency, follow-through

And somewhere in my struggle with not-enough

I begin to feel like I am not enough

Despite all that’s been accomplished and all the good within

My unchecked boxes, unspoken words, missed marks, unachieved goals

Insecurities and fears

Others’ expressions and comments

All seem to join forces to reinforce the feelings of

Not Enough

And yet I hear You call me still

Breaking through all the noise

Beckoning me to lift up my head and heart

Knowing

That in You, because of You, with You, through You

I am enough and have enough

To do everything You’ve created me to do

To mother

To teach

To lead

To support

To transform

To love

To encourage

To heal

To create

To be

Start

If you’re anything like me, the gap between aspirational ideas and implementation can be breeding ground for feelings of overwhelm and anxiousness. The internal pressure to be prepared to perfection so as to avoid any mistakes or the need for adjustments is both real and unrealistic. There comes a time when you just have to START. You have to start and keep going one iota at at time- agile and open to adjusting as needed while doing.

Over the last week or so, I found myself vacillating between postponing starting a new project (to squeeze in more preparation) and jumping in. There are times, when it’s necessary to take more time to prepare. However, there are some things I’m not sure we ever feel completely ready for: a big exam, marriage, parenthood, good-bye’s, a new diet, publishing, exercising, the first dip into the swimming pool, etc. After a period of preparation, there are times when we just have to jump in and continue learning, growing, and improving WHILE WE ARE DOING.

I find myself at the end of my preparation period- still feeling like I need more time and more preparation. Something in me knows, however, that this is one of those times that MORE TIME to prepare is not really what I need. It’s time to START- to take what I’ve learned and done and PUT IT TO WORK. The rest of my preparedness, accomplishment and growth will only come in the doing.

I woke up around midnight with the unction to “go.” I got up, wrapped up my “preparations” and put things in place to “go” in- the morning. While I was organizing and situating materials, additional ideas started flooding in- and I implemented them as they came. It was affirmation that it is time to START- that the rest of what I need will be revealed in my doing.

Here’s to a new day and new beginnings.

Here’s to STARTING!

I look forward to seeing all that will emerge IN THE DOING.

Verse from Youversion.com 2 Corinthians 9:8; Art by AJM ELLIS “Faith & Grace”

Writing Away Overwhelm and Pressure…

There are times when “overwhelmed” feels like an understatement. I consider myself extremely blessed; so I don’t want to come off as complaining. I do however want to acknowledge the pressure and emotions of overwhelm I face. We breathe by inhaling AND exhaling.

So let me breathe for a minute.

I feel internal pressure to measure up. To be perceived as intelligent, valuable, hardworking. To be judge a dynamic employee. A Great Mom. A Strong Woman. My desires and passions also apply a degree of pressure. Pressure to create NOW for fear of never accomplishing. Pressure to create NOW just because it’s easy and enjoyable.

I find myself sleep-deprived with headaches. Headaches from worry. Headaches from insecurities. Headaches from the pressure inside.

I currently have no idea how I’m going to wean my daughter from nursing or get her potty and sleep-trained this month. But it’s a goal. It’s time for her to be weaned. I need it. She needs it. It’ll add to better sleep for both of us. In addition, I feel external pressure and judgement for nursing this long. I’m trying not to let negative perceptions about breastfeeding into toddlerhood add to the pressure I already feel.

I want my daughter to have an enjoyable, learning-filled summer. I want to enjoy her and enjoy nurturing and teaching her. But with this too has come pressure. Pressure to quickly finish and present an excellent plan. This pressure I feel and am moved by at times, but have largely resisted for myself and for other parents who are journeying with me. We will resist PRESSURE and instead be patient with ourselves and our children even as we are intentional about preparing for progress this summer.

I feel pressure to always be at work. I never want anyone to see or think less of my efforts. I’ve always felt the pressure to work twice as hard and prove my value and deservingness to take up space…to be at the table. But why? Because I’m woman? Because I’m black? Because of insecurities? Why the need for so much validation? That need drives a pressure to always be on.

Even as I write and identify sources, I am resisting the pressure.

I will WRITE myself out of overwhelm and into peace. I WRITE myself into self-acceptance and self-respect. I WRITE myself into right perspective. I WRITE myself into a space of grace and self love. I WRITE myself to a better headspace that allows me to be good to myself even as I endeavor to be good to those around me. As I write…as I have written, pressure has relaxed in my head. A little Ibprofen and my laptop and I’m feeling better. No longer overwhelmed. Back to a place of calm. Choosing peace and incremental change as my way of navigating and accomplishing my goals.

I still don’t know how I’m going to accomplish weaning, potty-training, sleep-training, or the summer I’m endeavoring to create. It’ll all get done though. The process and end may look differently than I picture at times, but I’m okay with that. In place of pressure I have hope and grace. In place of overwhelm I now have peace.

The Next Right Thing

“Faith & Grace” by AJM ELLIS

“The next right thing…”

In the past few weeks, this line has been lifted in my consciousness several times.

I was reading my devotional this morning, Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms” by Shaunti Feldhahn, I saw it again: “You just have to do the ‘next right thing.’ A friend was offering her advice at a time when she was overwhelmed and feeling stressed and stretched thin by the multitude of things that were pulling on her attention and time. She had to make a decision on how to use her time and was challenged with feelings or pressure, stress, guilt because she couldn’t do it all at the same time and it all was important. (Day 12, pg. 46)

Last week, Brene Brown posted on Instagram a piece entitled “25 Years for 25 Marbles.” As she celebrated 25 years of sobriety and shared lessons learned, she said: “For me, celebrating 25 years of sobriety is about reflecting back on ‘trying to do the next right thing’ for the past 9,125 days or more honestly, for the past 219,000 hours.”

A few weeks ago, I was preparing an email to debrief on my most recent D.E.I. learnings and reflections. I had been reading two books on multicultural and anit-bias education for children. In one text, a teacher noted the challenge of speaking and attempting to address bias. She said:

"Anything I try will be unsatisfactory to someone, make someone uncomfortable, or cause a conflict. But if I try to meet every possible criticism before I take action I will be paralyzed. So I've got to keep moving ahead with my best thinking, learn from the results, listen to the criticism, and try again."

(quoted in What If All the Kids Are White? Anti-Bias Multicultural Education with Young Children and Families by Derman-Sparks and Ramsey, 2011, p.19 as found in Alvarado et al, 1999, p.106)

As I read through the text, this quote stood out to me. For some reason it reminded me of Grand Pabbie's words to Elsa and Anna in Frozen II: “When you can see no future, all you can do is the next right thing.” (See the scene below.)

Three different contexts, same message to my spirit: “Do the next right thing.”

Don’t be paralyzed by fear. Don’t let the unknown stop you from moving forward. Use what you have and do what you know to do. Do the next right thing.

There are times when I get overwhelmed (or overwhelm myself) with my dreams and aspirations, with life’s curveballs, with the seemingly never-ending demands of life, with worries or fears… I find myself trying to prevent possible outcomes that trigger anxious thoughts. I’ve learned that trying to prevent possible outcomes due to fear is not the same as preparing for the future. The energy is different. The motivation is different. One saps energy, joy and peace. The other creates more space for each of them.

For me, doing the next right thing is a position. It’s a stance. It’s a decision to brave the winds and waves of life from a more grounded and peace-oriented place.

Isaiah 41:10, an anchor verse for me says, “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NKJV)

I feel a beckoning to anchor myself and move forward one step at a time doing “the next right thing.” It’s a beckoning to let worry, stress and pressures pass away with the same winds that bring them, grounding myself in peace and a resolution to keep doing the next right thing. It’s a beckoning to trust God’s leading, the good will in my heart, and the fruits of preparation.

Here’s to a week of rest even in the midst of work. Here’s to doing the “next right thing” one moment, one step, one day at a time.

Have an amazing week!

AJM Ellis

On My Mind

From postpartum to a pandemic, I’m learning how to rest in the midst of LIFE happening. I’ve found myself time and time again feeling like I was at capacity. The benefit of this type of “tired” is it leaves little room for fears and insecurity. The “at capacity” sort of tired, has checked the people-pleaser in me several times. I tend to want everyone to be pleased with me, but I just do have the bandwidth to rest in that trap. On a physical level, I’ve struggled to manage the most basic of things. Both psychological and physiological changes have been in motion. I found myself involuntarily transitioning from permed to natural hair and ultimately chopping off all of my permed hair. I’ve done the big chop once before when I was in my early twenties, but this go round was much different. This time was from a place of desperation to regain some sort of control over my hair and my life. My concepts of beauty, health and “okayness” have been just as fluid as stability in our society. I needed to regain control. In order to do that, sometimes you have to strip away the excess and return to the base.

As I reconcile with my roots, I am forced to also wrestle with self-acceptance, societal constructs, and the perceived opinions of others. I am challenged to submit them all to God and His truths about me and life. When I’m quiet and still enough I see God’s beauty in me and wonder why I allow myself to tribulate time and time again about the physical transitions I’ve been going through.

Even outside of a pandemic, life has always seemed paradoxical to me. So it was no surprise to me when I felt a prompting both to produce and rest over these last several months. Many times, I’ve found myself struggling to reconcile the pressure to produce with the need for a pause. As I attempt to maintain effectiveness on all fronts, things go missing and slacking at times. Getting into God’s rhythm is taking intentionality, help and constant maintenance.

Thank God for GRACE, HELP, ACCEPTANCE, AND RELEASE.

I’ve decide to share some of my current takeaways from this season of life. They are in no particular order. They are just things that have been on my mind as I reflect on and ponder life as we know it.

• People are generally GOOD. Assume the best and give grace and mercy. Everyone is dealing with some sort of challenge. We all have things we’re contending with.

• Take time with God- whether it’s quiet, “quiet time” or loud “quiet time” (while life is happening all around you). *Shaunti Feldhahn, “Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms”

• I’m okay and I am enough.

• Everything will be okay…BECAUSE God is with me. He loves me. He’s trustworthy. He’s working things together for ultimate good.

• Trust God’s heart and sovereignty, especially when you don’t understand the “why’s” of life.

• Sometimes you just have to let go…of everything…and go to sleep. You’ll have what you need for next steps in the morning….or after the nap.

• Be Present. Dream, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Acknowledge and reconcile things of the past, but don’t get stuck there. Be present. Hear the rain. Hear the entire conversation without zoning out. Eat at the dinner table. Drive without music, media, or conversation. Take your lunchbreak to actually have lunch. Play with your child(ren). Sit in bed and watch tv with your spouse.

• Nothing in your life will be wasted.

• Embrace INCREMENTAL change. It’s not always about big wins, miracles, or leaps. Sometimes it’s about steps, increments., perseverance and relentless hope.

Entering Into Rest

To say the least, this year has been A LOT.

I lay in bed the last night of the work semester. My feet are aching. I’m tired, yet grateful. I’m quieted by what life has sent my way. From postpartum to a pandemic- pressures, noise, exhaustion... Yet I’m grateful for being kept... for being used to bless...for being blessed. Insecurities have flared up at times. Waves of anxiety have washed over me. Depression, fear, and apathy have tried to emerge. But joy. But love. But laughter. But dance. But meaningful work to put my hands to. But community…even virtually. But GOD has lifted me. Has kept me. Has rescued me from the undercurrent.

God has been good to me. If I’ve come to know anything this year, I’ve come to know what it means to be “kept.”

And now I’m asking Him to show me what it means to be refreshed.

As I lay down tonight and enter into this holiday season. I quiet my mind. I quiet my soul- from accusations, from to do lists, from the noise... I quiet myself and lay. I quiet myself to rest…IN LOVE. IN ENOUGH. IN FAITH. IN TRUST. IN HIS PRESENCE…and I let HIM restore my soul that I may be ready and energized to live out my purpose in this next season of life.

I enter into HIS rest.

Max & I, Two Peas in a Pod: Lessons from "A Secret Life of Pets 2"

I never would have thought, I’d see myself in a character from The Secret Life of Pets 2. I’ve seen this movie over 30 times in the last few months. It’s my daughters favorite movie. I have to admit, Max- the main character- and I have a lot in common. He’s committed to protecting his baby human, Liam, from EVERYTHING. Since Liam’s arrival, Max has become jumpy and anxious, needing to know where Liam is at all times. This jumpiness spreads into every aspect of his life. He’s scared of EVERYTHING. He see’s himself as Liam’s protector but is so inhibited by his own fears, he fails to realize HE CAN’T and doesn’t need to protect Liam from everything.

I know too well the feeling of wanting to protect one’s baby from every potentially hurtful and harmful thing- from soap in their eyes during bath time to bumps and bruises from falling. Then there are the crazy scenarios our minds concoct like tripping on a long skirt while carrying the baby down the stairs. Let’s just say my maxi skirts haven’t been worn this summer. Don’t judge me. LOL. I’m a work in progress.

The point is, I know too well the fear of either not preventing or causing or one’s baby hurt or pain.

Fortunately for Max, by the end of The Secret Life of Pets 2, he found his “inner Rooster.” He was forced to complete a task that required him to muster up COURAGE TO DO WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE despite feeling afraid. With the taste of courage in his mouth, he began to face life with more spunk and freedom. Without fear taking his mind to futuristic and negative “what-ifs,” he was able to be present, enjoy, and face life with Liam.

It’s wise to be MINDFUL of how we handle our precious gifts- our babies. There will be times when they get hurt. It’s a part of growing up. I’m learning to “channel my inner Rooster,” as Max might say, by doing the following:

• PRAY - I cover my little Sweat Potato with prayer, entrusting her to God- the only One who can truly protect us.

• SLOW DOWN - My husband is always telling me I need to slow down. Most days I feel there’s more to do than time to do it, but no matter how rushed I feel to meet my own deadlines, when it comes to handling my daughter I really try to slow down. I slow down so that I can do my best to SEE (and foresee) WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE MOMENT.

• MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS - I research. I ask questions. I use observations. I use gathered information when it comes to making decisions regarding things like when and what foods to introduce to my daughter as well as decisions about how I facilitate experiences for her.

• SETTLE DOWN and BE PRESENT - I finally just let go. Every time a negative, fear-driven imagination pops up in my mind regarding the future- such as daycare risks in the midst of a pandemic- I let it go. I push it out and remind myself that I will be prepared for every bridge I need to cross when I need to cross it. In the meantime, I aim to be fully present, enjoying and handling the moment at hand. Worrying about the future does nothing but steal the peace, joy, energy, and health of the present.

Pray. Slow Down. Get Information (Facts). Be Present. These nuggets are transferable. They are not just for anxious new mommies. They are for anxious moments and seasons.

In His Love and By His grace,

AJM Ellis

I Am a Bow

I recognize, as my daughter’s mother, that part of my role is to serve as a bow. She is my arrow. With that said, in order to launch her off as far as possible, I have to continue to grow and move forward. Don’t misunderstand me, my Sweet Potato is not limited to my actions or inactions: God has proven time and time again His ability to help people well exceed the limitations of their parents and ancestors. Nevertheless, in the natural, parents play a crucial role in paving the way for their children. We can set up roadblocks and unnecessary obstacles for them to overcome, or we can position them to excel. I choose to conscientiously accept my role as BOW and position my Sweet Potato to excel.

Being a bow forces me to deal with my own fears, insecurities, and areas of growth. I realize that the further I go, the further along she will be when she springs forth from my bow. Now that I think about it, I felt similarly about my students. If I was going to tell my students to go after their dreams and fulfill their potential, I knew I must lead by example. I too had to go after my dreams and fulfill my potential. So it is with my daughter. I have to grow and go forward that she may be on the trajectory to do the same and more.

It’s my belief that children absorb into their subconscious what they see and experience. Words matter, but experiences and observations matter too. I want to make sure my words and actions are positive, productive and aligned. I don’t want to just tell my Sweet Potato that she is ENOUGH, STRONG, CONFIDENT, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED, DESTINED FOR GREATNESS. I have to lead by example. I have to ever be growing in self-love, self-respect, boldness, confidence, etc. My daughter has to SEE me standing up for what’s right. She has to SEE me walking in integrity. She has to SEE me embrace my imperfect self while committing to continuously grow. She has to SEE me go after the things God puts in my heart to do. My words should be reiterations of the example I set.

My Sweet Girl will exceed my greatest feats. She will be better, more, greater than me. Since my growth and progress impacts the distance of her launch, I will position myself to propel her as far as she can possibly go.

In His Love & by His Grace,

AJM Ellis

Shared Pieces: The Process

I often find myself in a rush to find the answers, to make sense of things, to FIX things... However, this morning, I am slowing down and letting things be.

Peace of mind seems harder to come by and even more difficult to maintain these days. My mind races with to-do’s, what-if’s, and should’ve-could’ve, would’ve’s. I am a 35 year old new mom, fairly new wife, old friend, new friend, daughter, sister, cousin, employee, coworker, member, neighbor…And I’m trying to get a hold of what I should now look like- function like- in each of these roles. I grapple with present role and function even while I simultaneously reach towards all that I have yet to become and walk in regarding my purpose. The internal- and sometimes external- pressure to Be and Become what I am suppose to be as quickly as possible sometimes swallows me up into a cloud of overwhelm. Nevertheless, I have no doubt that it’ll all ultimately settle into place- that I will be what I should be to those God has placed in my life and walk in the totality of all that God created me to be.

In the meantime, I exhale. I pause. I write. I release. I take deep breaths. I share… I share the pieces of my process in hopes that someone else may be helped, encouraged, comforted along the way.

With that said…I present to you Shared Pieces: Pieces of Me, the Blog part II. I dare not commit to a release schedule for entries. I’m not there yet. But what I will commit to is wholeheartedness and authenticity in what I do share.

Farewell for now.

In His Love & by His Grace,

AJM Ellis