The Vessel

She thought her worth was contingent upon how much she could DO- how much she could hold, carry, pour…

JUST a vessel 

Ever trying to prove her worth

Not grand in color or size

Bumpy in texture

Of no significant worldly beauty 

Decent, but no designer piece

Yet fashioned by the Designer of All Things, the Master Potter Himself.

Insecurities and resentment would wash over her as she ended her days with exhaustion. 

If only she knew her worth.

If only she knew her worth.

The Master Potter would watch her day in and day out, aching for her to fully realize the masterpiece that she was

But with every bruise and crack she incurred- with every chip and leak,

Her emotions would only allow her to feel used, worthless, insignificant, and weak

And then the day came

When she was completely shattered into pieces

Seemingly irreconcilable pieces.

She wept.

She cried.

Bitter and broken

Tired and exhausted 

With bowed head, she came to the Master Potter and said,

I've been serving on Your behalf 

But I am tired and broken

My efforts avail me nothing

My worth has slipped through the cracks 

I now lay at Your feet broken.

The Master Potter smiled ever so warmly and said,

You were, are, and ever will be My masterpiece.

She looked at Him, baffled.

As the Potter lovingly scooped up each of her pieces in His hand

Healing peace washed over her.

You are my masterpiece, He said again.

Pulling gold out of His pocket and melting it with the heat from His love

He began using it as an adhesive to reassemble her pieces.

He did not take away her cracks and bruises.

He transformed them

Giving greater purpose to her pieces

Trading brokenness for testimonies of breakthrough

Sealing every crack with pure gold.

Then He looked at her and said,

You are My masterpiece

Your value exists because you are Mine, and I created you.

I made you with My own hands and gave you purpose.

No crack, bruise, fall, or drop can ever take away your worth.

If anything, that’s when you see Me at work in you most obviously.

Look at what once appeared as brokenness.

What do you now see?

Gold, she replied. Gold.

The Master Potter affirmed,

Yes, gold. Nothing you go through is wasted when you put it in My hands. 

You are My masterpiece. No piece of you or your story goes without Me noticing.

No experience is ever wasted.

You are more valuable than you will ever know because you are My handiwork.

You are filled with purpose and worth, and now you also have stories- testimonies.

I’ve traded you gold for your brokenness and peace and power for your shame.

Continue to pour, carry, do, and serve

But differently this time-

This time from a place of knowing your worth;

This time with knowledge and revelation 

That you are in fact

A masterpiece of the Master Potter

With purpose and power in each of your pieces.

So whether you are used to hold flowers or nothing at all

Regardless of whether you are in a display case, the centerpiece of a table, or in the back of a cabinet

You are My masterpiece.

Valuable.

Worthy.

Filled with Purpose.

You are more than your use.

You are more than your brokenness.

You are My masterpiece- 

The masterpiece of the Master Potter.

Inspiration from Kung Fu Panda 3: “I Am All of Them”

My daughter is on summer vacation. We decided to make a list of things that would make this the best summer ever. This list has been a facilitator of joy and meaningful connection. Our list includes activities such as trying five new recipes, learning two line dances, and relaxing- simple things within our reach that bring us joy. We’ve had some impromptu additions, one of which was the goal of watching all four Kung Fu Panda movies in order. Now, mind you, we’d already seen each Kung Fu Panda movie, just not in order.

A few weeks ago, we spent Monday through Saturday watching the Kung Fu Panda series. Some nights were a struggle, but we remained committed and watched most of each movie by the end of the week. Sleep won over some night, but we made it to the end.

Simple joy. Meaningful Connection. And an unexpected source of inspiration…

There was one particular scene in Kung Fu Panda 3 that grabbed my attention. The main character, Po, struggles with identity throughout the series, and in each movie, he receives a revelation and greater clarity on who he is. There is one scene from Kung Fu Panda 3, however, that awakened something deep within me. Yep. Kung Fu Panda 3 impacted me in a meaningful way :D

Po is in an epic battle- one in which he was losing, and then the switch was flipped. With the help of his community, he got a revelation of who he was. This revelation stirred a power that was inconquerable. Noticing a shift, his adversary asked, Who are you?! Po responds, saying that he’d been asking himself the same question. Po goes on to name and acknowledge the different and seemingly contradictory aspects of who he was, and ends with, "I am all of them." When he embraced the totality and complexity of who he was, joy and power erupted within him…and something broke free in me too.

I, too, am “all of them-” all the facets of who I am.

I am intelligent and still learning.

I am loving and growing in boundary setting.

Teacher and student.

Leader and servant.

A work in progress and masterpiece.

Author and illustrator.

Feeler and thinker.

Empath and Warrior.

Sensitive and Strong.

Timid and Bold.

I am all of them, and embracing this truth allows me to be one with myself. I choose to embrace every part of myself so that more joy and power can break forth, allowing me to walk freer and more empowered.

Reflection Question:

What are some aspects of yourself (your story, your personality, your propensities) that you might need to embrace so that you can operate with more wholeness, power, and freedom?

“I am all of them. ”
— Po (Kung Fu Panda 3)

? ! .

I used to be a question mark

Bent over

Uncertain 

Compliant 

Broken

Contorted to fit the mold

Until one day, I got tired

Tired of feeling deflated 

Tired of being afraid

Tired of failing myself

A surge of anger and irritation straightened my spine

And I exclaimed, “NO MORE!”

And after some time in my Father's hands

My heart began to soften and heal

And become strong 

Strengthened by His love

Cleansed by His love

Saturated in His love

My thinking started to be transformed 

As I came to know and realize who He designed me to be

And slowly

I began to let go

Of the thoughts and behaviors that no longer served me

Until finally I could stand as me

Fully me

Unapologetically me

Free

No question about my value or worth

No question about my worthiness to take up space

No longer a question mark

Nor an exclamation mark

But rather a strong, solid, black

Period

I Will Tell Her Story

I will tell her story.

I will write and write and write and write

And I will speak and dance and speak and dance

And paint

I will paint and write and write and paint

Until her story is told

Until the unfolding of a life poured out, a life in the Potter's Hands is completed

I will not let the world tell it to me or for me

It is for me to tell

And I will tell it.

Fot it is a key and light and song

And WHEN TOLD

Sets me free

And when told

SETS ME FREE

And WHEN HEARD

REALLY HEARD

HEALS, REFRESHES, and

ENCOURAGES

And SETS OTHERS FREE

I will tell her story

For it is my honor and duty to do so.

I will tell her story

For her story is my own

01.15.2025

The Healthiest Version of Me

A Poem and Vision for 2025 and Beyond…

The Healthiest Version of Me 

By AJM ELLIS,  12.27.2024

I am in pursuit of

The healthiest version of Me

I'll know her when I see her

Her eyes are bright and full of life, full of wisdom and understanding 

Her hair represents her liberated creativity 

I'll know when I'm near her

She carries the sweet scent of someone who regularly spends time in God's presence 

It is evident that she knows her worth

Because she takes up space unapologetically 

She fills spaces with so much

Light and love and joy

Her presence brings peace, comfort, and healing

Her touch restores health and hope

Her belly and lips are full of laughter

I can hear her from miles away

Both her grace-filled words and wisdom-filled silence can be heard loud and clearly 

Filled with God's spirit, she speaks, and it is so

She is both bold and humble, leader and servant

She has seeing eyes and chooses to see truth

Even the truth of her own beauty 

Of herself, she sees no need to boast

For she is well

She is WELL

And has no need to prove herself 

She discerns her battle 

Never putting on Saul's armor 

But rather conquering with her Rock and sling

She dances

Oh, how she DANCES

Strongholds are demolished as she creates and writes and speaks

She is a mighty force

Her home is a place of refuge

Her home is a place of refuge

SHE is home

Like Maya Angelou, she belongs everywhere and nowhere at all*

She is at home within herself 

She is free

Free

Free from fear

God's "perfect love [has] cast out her fear"**

Her heart is free and loves openly and deeply

Mourning with those who mourn

Grieving griefs

Yet oh, so free

Free to hope

Free to believe

Free to get up time and time again

Free to be

All she is called to be

The healthiest version of Me

*Ken Haller, (2017) Medium. Maya Angelo Interview with Bill Moyers

** 1 John 4:18


Overcoming Microaggressions, a Thought and a Poem

There are multiple ways to heal and promote healing in the world. Art—literary, performance, and visual—tends to be a means for me. I think it's important for us to find the modes of operation that work best for us as individuals and lean into that. For when we each do our part, my what progress and change can come to fruition.

Overcoming Microaggressions

By Ashley Ellis

09/19/2024

I had a moment today

When I couldn’t hold back the tears

They started welling in the corner of my eyes

And I could feel my eyes beginning to coat

With all that was welling up within

All that I had been holding in

Not from the moment

But from the constant

From the build up

Of pain

So much pain

So much disappointment

Deep disappointment

Sadness


Finally

I just let myself release

I pulled down the shade covering of my window

And just let them fall

And just let them go

The tears

The microinsults

The microinvalidations

And the macro impact that they have had

Not just on me

But on our individual and collective humanity

The constant erosion of personhoods

The constant messaging of being less than

The wearing away of the soul, of the spirit

Until one’s name has been changed

One’s spine has been bent

One’s head hangs a bit lower

Vision a bit compromised

By the constant, incessant wearing away of senses of worthiness and belonging

Making it oh so difficult to walk freely in confident humility

Tempting one to work twice as hard or not at all

Knowing that neither really matter

Because the origin of the microassult, the microinsult, and microinvalidation 

Was never based on reality

But rather rooted in oppressive ideologies and systems such as white supremacy and misogyny


So today

I let the tears fall 

I released it all 

I let the tears drop until they dried in the form of black strokes on a keyboard

I let them fall until there was nothing left but

Hope, perseverance,

And a commitment to keep going, healing and being healed

Knowing this is the work I’ve been called to do

Places of Inspiration

Jewels from fellow creatives…

I so appreciate this interview. Maybe one day, I’ll have more time to share why.

This interview inspired this poem…

Birthday Wish

by Ashley Jataun Moore Ellis

For my 40th

I'd love to…

My soul needs to…

Get it's Andre 3000, walking-for-miles-playing-my-flute on.

Free.

I need to get my “Eat-Pray-Love” on.

Finding myself again.

Exhaling.

Crying.

Letting it all out.

Laughing.

Breathing.

Dancing.

Hair hanging down.

Free.

Deeply inhaling and exhaling.

Being.

Simply being.

Toes in the sand,

Grounded.

Enough.

Letting healing in its fullness heal me.

Letting God with all His goodness

Fill me.

That I may move forward

Operating out of His overflow

An Overflow of “For-A-Time-Such-As-This” type of works,

Art,

Creativity,

Being.

I close this post with a memory documented on Instagram.

The picture below is from 2017. I was working on my own creative aspirations with a friend at a local coffee shop, and who did we happen to meet?!

Paradox Within

Most days I feel like a paradox within- filled with so much promise, potential, power…filled with so many hopes, ideas, talents…filled with so much love, goodness, and genuine care for others…And yet, insecurities, people pleasing, and various forms of fear seem to be so seeped into my being that when promise arises so do threats. When potential is recognizable so is the risk of failure. When power wells within, insecurities seem to race to be the ones that show up on the surface. When hopes and dreams arise, doubt, fear, and past disappointments run to join them. When my gifts or talents are acknowledged, knowledge of or reminders of my weaknesses are never far away.

Nevertheless, I have hope: hope that the good in me and at work on my behalf will swallow up any and everything that tries to impede growth, authenticity, love, and the fulfillment of God’s purpose for my life. I don’t always feel confident; nevertheless, I have settled within myself to go on anyway. I’ve settled within myself that I am enough- more than enough- and that I am GOOD. WORTHY OF LOVE. A VESSEL OF LOVE TO OTHERS, and CREATED WITH A PURPOSE THAT I WILL FULFILL.

Those beliefs ground me.

They enable me to push pass my mistakes, insecurities, and doubts. They move me forward into the fruition of visions and dreams and the manifestation of purpose. They move me through and over any and everything that would hold me down or back. They are the reminders that what is in me is bigger than me- the fulfillment of purpose is not just for me. It’s for God’s glory. It’s for those I’m called to touch, help, and encourage. It’s for the betterment of my family and the generations that come after me. And yes, it is for my good too.

Therefore, I work through the paradoxes. I acknowledge them. I neither deny nor hide from them. I use them to connect with others as well as to demonstrate that God can take the life of a fallible human with willing hands and heart and accomplish great things.


Defeat by AJM Ellis

DEFEAT is a feeling
That starts to rise
Around the third time I'm awaken
In the middle of the night
Playing on exhaustion
It wearies my eyes and sinks my heart
More and more
With every hour hand that pushes
Closer to the time set by my alarm

Defeat is a deceptive voice
That whispers at times I'm most fatigued
Reminding me of things left undone
And the time that has already gone by

Defeat is the monster under my bed
Threatening to take me out
Swallow me whole
Tempting to paralyze me with fear

But as I turn the light switch on
Letters and impact start to fade

Defea...
I humble myself in prayer

Defe
I remind myself it is "IN HIM that I live and move and have my being" and that my sufficiency is IN HIM, that I overcome BY HIS POWER AND MIGHT

Def
I look at that things that keep waking me up and CHOOSE gratitude instead- gratitude for being entrusted with stewardship and responsibility. I lean into that entrustment and entrust the ability to carry out that responsibility to God.

De
I lay back down with the time I have left and choose to REST. RELY on God.. ENTER His rest. SAY what He says about myself, situations and others. TRUST Him, the process, and myself/what He has put in me.

D
I wake up at the sound of my alarm. Give the new day to God. Get out of bed and Go again

I defeat Defeat by getting up again. Going again. Trusting. Resting. Believing. Walking in my victory.

I am not and will not be defeated.
I conquer and thrive and win
All by RESTing in Him.

Enough

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough

Enough time, energy, capacity

Enough know-how, where-with-all

Enough courage, back-bone, bite

Enough preparation, discipline, consistency, follow-through

And somewhere in my struggle with not-enough

I begin to feel like I am not enough

Despite all that’s been accomplished and all the good within

My unchecked boxes, unspoken words, missed marks, unachieved goals

Insecurities and fears

Others’ expressions and comments

All seem to join forces to reinforce the feelings of

Not Enough

And yet I hear You call me still

Breaking through all the noise

Beckoning me to lift up my head and heart

Knowing

That in You, because of You, with You, through You

I am enough and have enough

To do everything You’ve created me to do

To mother

To teach

To lead

To support

To transform

To love

To encourage

To heal

To create

To be

Start

If you’re anything like me, the gap between aspirational ideas and implementation can be breeding ground for feelings of overwhelm and anxiousness. The internal pressure to be prepared to perfection so as to avoid any mistakes or the need for adjustments is both real and unrealistic. There comes a time when you just have to START. You have to start and keep going one iota at at time- agile and open to adjusting as needed while doing.

Over the last week or so, I found myself vacillating between postponing starting a new project (to squeeze in more preparation) and jumping in. There are times, when it’s necessary to take more time to prepare. However, there are some things I’m not sure we ever feel completely ready for: a big exam, marriage, parenthood, good-bye’s, a new diet, publishing, exercising, the first dip into the swimming pool, etc. After a period of preparation, there are times when we just have to jump in and continue learning, growing, and improving WHILE WE ARE DOING.

I find myself at the end of my preparation period- still feeling like I need more time and more preparation. Something in me knows, however, that this is one of those times that MORE TIME to prepare is not really what I need. It’s time to START- to take what I’ve learned and done and PUT IT TO WORK. The rest of my preparedness, accomplishment and growth will only come in the doing.

I woke up around midnight with the unction to “go.” I got up, wrapped up my “preparations” and put things in place to “go” in- the morning. While I was organizing and situating materials, additional ideas started flooding in- and I implemented them as they came. It was affirmation that it is time to START- that the rest of what I need will be revealed in my doing.

Here’s to a new day and new beginnings.

Here’s to STARTING!

I look forward to seeing all that will emerge IN THE DOING.

Verse from Youversion.com 2 Corinthians 9:8; Art by AJM ELLIS “Faith & Grace”

Verse from Youversion.com 2 Corinthians 9:8; Art by AJM ELLIS “Faith & Grace”

Writing Away Overwhelm and Pressure…

unsplash-image-SevjX8pf_tQ.jpg

There are times when “overwhelmed” feels like an understatement. I consider myself extremely blessed; so I don’t want to come off as complaining. I do however want to acknowledge the pressure and emotions of overwhelm I face. We breathe by inhaling AND exhaling.

So let me breathe for a minute.

I feel internal pressure to measure up. To be perceived as intelligent, valuable, hardworking. To be judge a dynamic employee. A Great Mom. A Strong Woman. My desires and passions also apply a degree of pressure. Pressure to create NOW for fear of never accomplishing. Pressure to create NOW just because it’s easy and enjoyable.

I find myself sleep-deprived with headaches. Headaches from worry. Headaches from insecurities. Headaches from the pressure inside.

I currently have no idea how I’m going to wean my daughter from nursing or get her potty and sleep-trained this month. But it’s a goal. It’s time for her to be weaned. I need it. She needs it. It’ll add to better sleep for both of us. In addition, I feel external pressure and judgement for nursing this long. I’m trying not to let negative perceptions about breastfeeding into toddlerhood add to the pressure I already feel.

I want my daughter to have an enjoyable, learning-filled summer. I want to enjoy her and enjoy nurturing and teaching her. But with this too has come pressure. Pressure to quickly finish and present an excellent plan. This pressure I feel and am moved by at times, but have largely resisted for myself and for other parents who are journeying with me. We will resist PRESSURE and instead be patient with ourselves and our children even as we are intentional about preparing for progress this summer.

I feel pressure to always be at work. I never want anyone to see or think less of my efforts. I’ve always felt the pressure to work twice as hard and prove my value and deservingness to take up space…to be at the table. But why? Because I’m woman? Because I’m black? Because of insecurities? Why the need for so much validation? That need drives a pressure to always be on.

Even as I write and identify sources, I am resisting the pressure.

I will WRITE myself out of overwhelm and into peace. I WRITE myself into self-acceptance and self-respect. I WRITE myself into right perspective. I WRITE myself into a space of grace and self love. I WRITE myself to a better headspace that allows me to be good to myself even as I endeavor to be good to those around me. As I write…as I have written, pressure has relaxed in my head. A little Ibprofen and my laptop and I’m feeling better. No longer overwhelmed. Back to a place of calm. Choosing peace and incremental change as my way of navigating and accomplishing my goals.

I still don’t know how I’m going to accomplish weaning, potty-training, sleep-training, or the summer I’m endeavoring to create. It’ll all get done though. The process and end may look differently than I picture at times, but I’m okay with that. In place of pressure I have hope and grace. In place of overwhelm I now have peace.

unsplash-image-CXS27RrJObQ.jpg

The Next Right Thing

“Faith & Grace” by AJM ELLIS

“Faith & Grace” by AJM ELLIS

“The next right thing…”

In the past few weeks, this line has been lifted in my consciousness several times.

I was reading my devotional this morning, Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms” by Shaunti Feldhahn, I saw it again: “You just have to do the ‘next right thing.’ A friend was offering her advice at a time when she was overwhelmed and feeling stressed and stretched thin by the multitude of things that were pulling on her attention and time. She had to make a decision on how to use her time and was challenged with feelings or pressure, stress, guilt because she couldn’t do it all at the same time and it all was important. (Day 12, pg. 46)

Last week, Brene Brown posted on Instagram a piece entitled “25 Years for 25 Marbles.” As she celebrated 25 years of sobriety and shared lessons learned, she said: “For me, celebrating 25 years of sobriety is about reflecting back on ‘trying to do the next right thing’ for the past 9,125 days or more honestly, for the past 219,000 hours.”

A few weeks ago, I was preparing an email to debrief on my most recent D.E.I. learnings and reflections. I had been reading two books on multicultural and anit-bias education for children. In one text, a teacher noted the challenge of speaking and attempting to address bias. She said:

"Anything I try will be unsatisfactory to someone, make someone uncomfortable, or cause a conflict. But if I try to meet every possible criticism before I take action I will be paralyzed. So I've got to keep moving ahead with my best thinking, learn from the results, listen to the criticism, and try again."

(quoted in What If All the Kids Are White? Anti-Bias Multicultural Education with Young Children and Families by Derman-Sparks and Ramsey, 2011, p.19 as found in Alvarado et al, 1999, p.106)

As I read through the text, this quote stood out to me. For some reason it reminded me of Grand Pabbie's words to Elsa and Anna in Frozen II: “When you can see no future, all you can do is the next right thing.” (See the scene below.)

Three different contexts, same message to my spirit: “Do the next right thing.”

Don’t be paralyzed by fear. Don’t let the unknown stop you from moving forward. Use what you have and do what you know to do. Do the next right thing.

There are times when I get overwhelmed (or overwhelm myself) with my dreams and aspirations, with life’s curveballs, with the seemingly never-ending demands of life, with worries or fears… I find myself trying to prevent possible outcomes that trigger anxious thoughts. I’ve learned that trying to prevent possible outcomes due to fear is not the same as preparing for the future. The energy is different. The motivation is different. One saps energy, joy and peace. The other creates more space for each of them.

For me, doing the next right thing is a position. It’s a stance. It’s a decision to brave the winds and waves of life from a more grounded and peace-oriented place.

Isaiah 41:10, an anchor verse for me says, “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NKJV)

I feel a beckoning to anchor myself and move forward one step at a time doing “the next right thing.” It’s a beckoning to let worry, stress and pressures pass away with the same winds that bring them, grounding myself in peace and a resolution to keep doing the next right thing. It’s a beckoning to trust God’s leading, the good will in my heart, and the fruits of preparation.

Here’s to a week of rest even in the midst of work. Here’s to doing the “next right thing” one moment, one step, one day at a time.

Have an amazing week!

AJM Ellis

On My Mind

From postpartum to a pandemic, I’m learning how to rest in the midst of LIFE happening. I’ve found myself time and time again feeling like I was at capacity. The benefit of this type of “tired” is it leaves little room for fears and insecurity. The “at capacity” sort of tired, has checked the people-pleaser in me several times. I tend to want everyone to be pleased with me, but I just do have the bandwidth to rest in that trap. On a physical level, I’ve struggled to manage the most basic of things. Both psychological and physiological changes have been in motion. I found myself involuntarily transitioning from permed to natural hair and ultimately chopping off all of my permed hair. I’ve done the big chop once before when I was in my early twenties, but this go round was much different. This time was from a place of desperation to regain some sort of control over my hair and my life. My concepts of beauty, health and “okayness” have been just as fluid as stability in our society. I needed to regain control. In order to do that, sometimes you have to strip away the excess and return to the base.

As I reconcile with my roots, I am forced to also wrestle with self-acceptance, societal constructs, and the perceived opinions of others. I am challenged to submit them all to God and His truths about me and life. When I’m quiet and still enough I see God’s beauty in me and wonder why I allow myself to tribulate time and time again about the physical transitions I’ve been going through.

Even outside of a pandemic, life has always seemed paradoxical to me. So it was no surprise to me when I felt a prompting both to produce and rest over these last several months. Many times, I’ve found myself struggling to reconcile the pressure to produce with the need for a pause. As I attempt to maintain effectiveness on all fronts, things go missing and slacking at times. Getting into God’s rhythm is taking intentionality, help and constant maintenance.

Thank God for GRACE, HELP, ACCEPTANCE, AND RELEASE.

I’ve decide to share some of my current takeaways from this season of life. They are in no particular order. They are just things that have been on my mind as I reflect on and ponder life as we know it.

  • People are generally GOOD. Assume the best and give grace and mercy. Everyone is dealing with some sort of challenge. We all have things we’re contending with.

  • Take time with God- whether it’s quiet, “quiet time” or loud “quiet time” (while life is happening all around you). *Shaunti Feldhahn, “Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms”

  • I’m okay and I am enough.

  • Everything will be okay…BECAUSE God is with me. He loves me. He’s trustworthy. He’s working things together for ultimate good.

  • Trust God’s heart and sovereignty, especially when you don’t understand the “why’s” of life.

  • Sometimes you just have to let go…of everything…and go to sleep. You’ll have what you need for next steps in the morning….or after the nap.

  • Be Present. Dream, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Acknowledge and reconcile things of the past, but don’t get stuck there. Be present. Hear the rain. Hear the entire conversation without zoning out. Eat at the dinner table. Drive without music, media, or conversation. Take your lunchbreak to actually have lunch. Play with your child(ren). Sit in bed and watch tv with your spouse.

  • Nothing in your life will be wasted.

  • Embrace INCREMENTAL change. It’s not always about big wins, miracles, or leaps. Sometimes it’s about steps, increments., perseverance and relentless hope.

20210225_131317.jpg

Entering Into Rest

To say the least, this year has been A LOT.

I lay in bed the last night of the work semester. My feet are aching. I’m tired, yet grateful. I’m quieted by what life has sent my way. From postpartum to a pandemic- pressures, noise, exhaustion... Yet I’m grateful for being kept... for being used to bless...for being blessed. Insecurities have flared up at times. Waves of anxiety have washed over me. Depression, fear, and apathy have tried to emerge. But joy. But love. But laughter. But dance. But meaningful work to put my hands to. But community…even virtually. But GOD has lifted me. Has kept me. Has rescued me from the undercurrent.

God has been good to me. If I’ve come to know anything this year, I’ve come to know what it means to be “kept.”

And now I’m asking Him to show me what it means to be refreshed.

As I lay down tonight and enter into this holiday season. I quiet my mind. I quiet my soul- from accusations, from to do lists, from the noise... I quiet myself and lay. I quiet myself to rest…IN LOVE. IN ENOUGH. IN FAITH. IN TRUST. IN HIS PRESENCE…and I let HIM restore my soul that I may be ready and energized to live out my purpose in this next season of life.

I enter into HIS rest.

Max & I, Two Peas in a Pod: Lessons from "A Secret Life of Pets 2"

I never would have thought, I’d see myself in a character from The Secret Life of Pets 2. I’ve seen this movie over 30 times in the last few months. It’s my daughters favorite movie. I have to admit, Max- the main character- and I have a lot in common. He’s committed to protecting his baby human, Liam, from EVERYTHING. Since Liam’s arrival, Max has become jumpy and anxious, needing to know where Liam is at all times. This jumpiness spreads into every aspect of his life. He’s scared of EVERYTHING. He see’s himself as Liam’s protector but is so inhibited by his own fears, he fails to realize HE CAN’T and doesn’t need to protect Liam from everything.

I know too well the feeling of wanting to protect one’s baby from every potentially hurtful and harmful thing- from soap in their eyes during bath time to bumps and bruises from falling. Then there are the crazy scenarios our minds concoct like tripping on a long skirt while carrying the baby down the stairs. Let’s just say my maxi skirts haven’t been worn this summer. Don’t judge me. LOL. I’m a work in progress.

The point is, I know too well the fear of either not preventing or causing or one’s baby hurt or pain.

Fortunately for Max, by the end of The Secret Life of Pets 2, he found his “inner Rooster.” He was forced to complete a task that required him to muster up COURAGE TO DO WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE despite feeling afraid. With the taste of courage in his mouth, he began to face life with more spunk and freedom. Without fear taking his mind to futuristic and negative “what-ifs,” he was able to be present, enjoy, and face life with Liam.

It’s wise to be MINDFUL of how we handle our precious gifts- our babies. There will be times when they get hurt. It’s a part of growing up. I’m learning to “channel my inner Rooster,” as Max might say, by doing the following:

  • PRAY - I cover my little Sweat Potato with prayer, entrusting her to God- the only One who can truly protect us.

  • SLOW DOWN - My husband is always telling me I need to slow down. Most days I feel there’s more to do than time to do it, but no matter how rushed I feel to meet my own deadlines, when it comes to handling my daughter I really try to slow down. I slow down so that I can do my best to SEE (and foresee) WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE MOMENT.

  • MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS - I research. I ask questions. I use observations. I use gathered information when it comes to making decisions regarding things like when and what foods to introduce to my daughter as well as decisions about how I facilitate experiences for her.

  • SETTLE DOWN and BE PRESENT - I finally just let go. Every time a negative, fear-driven imagination pops up in my mind regarding the future- such as daycare risks in the midst of a pandemic- I let it go. I push it out and remind myself that I will be prepared for every bridge I need to cross when I need to cross it. In the meantime, I aim to be fully present, enjoying and handling the moment at hand. Worrying about the future does nothing but steal the peace, joy, energy, and health of the present.

Pray. Slow Down. Get Information (Facts). Be Present. These nuggets are transferable. They are not just for anxious new mommies. They are for anxious moments and seasons.

In His Love and By His grace,

AJM Ellis

20200615_105002.jpg