On My Mind

From postpartum to a pandemic, I’m learning how to rest in the midst of LIFE happening. I’ve found myself time and time again feeling like I was at capacity. The benefit of this type of “tired” is it leaves little room for fears and insecurity. The “at capacity” sort of tired, has checked the people-pleaser in me several times. I tend to want everyone to be pleased with me, but I just do have the bandwidth to rest in that trap. On a physical level, I’ve struggled to manage the most basic of things. Both psychological and physiological changes have been in motion. I found myself involuntarily transitioning from permed to natural hair and ultimately chopping off all of my permed hair. I’ve done the big chop once before when I was in my early twenties, but this go round was much different. This time was from a place of desperation to regain some sort of control over my hair and my life. My concepts of beauty, health and “okayness” have been just as fluid as stability in our society. I needed to regain control. In order to do that, sometimes you have to strip away the excess and return to the base.

As I reconcile with my roots, I am forced to also wrestle with self-acceptance, societal constructs, and the perceived opinions of others. I am challenged to submit them all to God and His truths about me and life. When I’m quiet and still enough I see God’s beauty in me and wonder why I allow myself to tribulate time and time again about the physical transitions I’ve been going through.

Even outside of a pandemic, life has always seemed paradoxical to me. So it was no surprise to me when I felt a prompting both to produce and rest over these last several months. Many times, I’ve found myself struggling to reconcile the pressure to produce with the need for a pause. As I attempt to maintain effectiveness on all fronts, things go missing and slacking at times. Getting into God’s rhythm is taking intentionality, help and constant maintenance.

Thank God for GRACE, HELP, ACCEPTANCE, AND RELEASE.

I’ve decide to share some of my current takeaways from this season of life. They are in no particular order. They are just things that have been on my mind as I reflect on and ponder life as we know it.

• People are generally GOOD. Assume the best and give grace and mercy. Everyone is dealing with some sort of challenge. We all have things we’re contending with.

• Take time with God- whether it’s quiet, “quiet time” or loud “quiet time” (while life is happening all around you). *Shaunti Feldhahn, “Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms”

• I’m okay and I am enough.

• Everything will be okay…BECAUSE God is with me. He loves me. He’s trustworthy. He’s working things together for ultimate good.

• Trust God’s heart and sovereignty, especially when you don’t understand the “why’s” of life.

• Sometimes you just have to let go…of everything…and go to sleep. You’ll have what you need for next steps in the morning….or after the nap.

• Be Present. Dream, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Acknowledge and reconcile things of the past, but don’t get stuck there. Be present. Hear the rain. Hear the entire conversation without zoning out. Eat at the dinner table. Drive without music, media, or conversation. Take your lunchbreak to actually have lunch. Play with your child(ren). Sit in bed and watch tv with your spouse.

• Nothing in your life will be wasted.

• Embrace INCREMENTAL change. It’s not always about big wins, miracles, or leaps. Sometimes it’s about steps, increments., perseverance and relentless hope.

Entering Into Rest

To say the least, this year has been A LOT.

I lay in bed the last night of the work semester. My feet are aching. I’m tired, yet grateful. I’m quieted by what life has sent my way. From postpartum to a pandemic- pressures, noise, exhaustion... Yet I’m grateful for being kept... for being used to bless...for being blessed. Insecurities have flared up at times. Waves of anxiety have washed over me. Depression, fear, and apathy have tried to emerge. But joy. But love. But laughter. But dance. But meaningful work to put my hands to. But community…even virtually. But GOD has lifted me. Has kept me. Has rescued me from the undercurrent.

God has been good to me. If I’ve come to know anything this year, I’ve come to know what it means to be “kept.”

And now I’m asking Him to show me what it means to be refreshed.

As I lay down tonight and enter into this holiday season. I quiet my mind. I quiet my soul- from accusations, from to do lists, from the noise... I quiet myself and lay. I quiet myself to rest…IN LOVE. IN ENOUGH. IN FAITH. IN TRUST. IN HIS PRESENCE…and I let HIM restore my soul that I may be ready and energized to live out my purpose in this next season of life.

I enter into HIS rest.

Max & I, Two Peas in a Pod: Lessons from "A Secret Life of Pets 2"

I never would have thought, I’d see myself in a character from The Secret Life of Pets 2. I’ve seen this movie over 30 times in the last few months. It’s my daughters favorite movie. I have to admit, Max- the main character- and I have a lot in common. He’s committed to protecting his baby human, Liam, from EVERYTHING. Since Liam’s arrival, Max has become jumpy and anxious, needing to know where Liam is at all times. This jumpiness spreads into every aspect of his life. He’s scared of EVERYTHING. He see’s himself as Liam’s protector but is so inhibited by his own fears, he fails to realize HE CAN’T and doesn’t need to protect Liam from everything.

I know too well the feeling of wanting to protect one’s baby from every potentially hurtful and harmful thing- from soap in their eyes during bath time to bumps and bruises from falling. Then there are the crazy scenarios our minds concoct like tripping on a long skirt while carrying the baby down the stairs. Let’s just say my maxi skirts haven’t been worn this summer. Don’t judge me. LOL. I’m a work in progress.

The point is, I know too well the fear of either not preventing or causing or one’s baby hurt or pain.

Fortunately for Max, by the end of The Secret Life of Pets 2, he found his “inner Rooster.” He was forced to complete a task that required him to muster up COURAGE TO DO WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE despite feeling afraid. With the taste of courage in his mouth, he began to face life with more spunk and freedom. Without fear taking his mind to futuristic and negative “what-ifs,” he was able to be present, enjoy, and face life with Liam.

It’s wise to be MINDFUL of how we handle our precious gifts- our babies. There will be times when they get hurt. It’s a part of growing up. I’m learning to “channel my inner Rooster,” as Max might say, by doing the following:

• PRAY - I cover my little Sweat Potato with prayer, entrusting her to God- the only One who can truly protect us.

• SLOW DOWN - My husband is always telling me I need to slow down. Most days I feel there’s more to do than time to do it, but no matter how rushed I feel to meet my own deadlines, when it comes to handling my daughter I really try to slow down. I slow down so that I can do my best to SEE (and foresee) WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE MOMENT.

• MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS - I research. I ask questions. I use observations. I use gathered information when it comes to making decisions regarding things like when and what foods to introduce to my daughter as well as decisions about how I facilitate experiences for her.

• SETTLE DOWN and BE PRESENT - I finally just let go. Every time a negative, fear-driven imagination pops up in my mind regarding the future- such as daycare risks in the midst of a pandemic- I let it go. I push it out and remind myself that I will be prepared for every bridge I need to cross when I need to cross it. In the meantime, I aim to be fully present, enjoying and handling the moment at hand. Worrying about the future does nothing but steal the peace, joy, energy, and health of the present.

Pray. Slow Down. Get Information (Facts). Be Present. These nuggets are transferable. They are not just for anxious new mommies. They are for anxious moments and seasons.

In His Love and By His grace,

AJM Ellis

I Am a Bow

I recognize, as my daughter’s mother, that part of my role is to serve as a bow. She is my arrow. With that said, in order to launch her off as far as possible, I have to continue to grow and move forward. Don’t misunderstand me, my Sweet Potato is not limited to my actions or inactions: God has proven time and time again His ability to help people well exceed the limitations of their parents and ancestors. Nevertheless, in the natural, parents play a crucial role in paving the way for their children. We can set up roadblocks and unnecessary obstacles for them to overcome, or we can position them to excel. I choose to conscientiously accept my role as BOW and position my Sweet Potato to excel.

Being a bow forces me to deal with my own fears, insecurities, and areas of growth. I realize that the further I go, the further along she will be when she springs forth from my bow. Now that I think about it, I felt similarly about my students. If I was going to tell my students to go after their dreams and fulfill their potential, I knew I must lead by example. I too had to go after my dreams and fulfill my potential. So it is with my daughter. I have to grow and go forward that she may be on the trajectory to do the same and more.

It’s my belief that children absorb into their subconscious what they see and experience. Words matter, but experiences and observations matter too. I want to make sure my words and actions are positive, productive and aligned. I don’t want to just tell my Sweet Potato that she is ENOUGH, STRONG, CONFIDENT, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED, DESTINED FOR GREATNESS. I have to lead by example. I have to ever be growing in self-love, self-respect, boldness, confidence, etc. My daughter has to SEE me standing up for what’s right. She has to SEE me walking in integrity. She has to SEE me embrace my imperfect self while committing to continuously grow. She has to SEE me go after the things God puts in my heart to do. My words should be reiterations of the example I set.

My Sweet Girl will exceed my greatest feats. She will be better, more, greater than me. Since my growth and progress impacts the distance of her launch, I will position myself to propel her as far as she can possibly go.

In His Love & by His Grace,

AJM Ellis

Shared Pieces: The Process

I often find myself in a rush to find the answers, to make sense of things, to FIX things... However, this morning, I am slowing down and letting things be.

Peace of mind seems harder to come by and even more difficult to maintain these days. My mind races with to-do’s, what-if’s, and should’ve-could’ve, would’ve’s. I am a 35 year old new mom, fairly new wife, old friend, new friend, daughter, sister, cousin, employee, coworker, member, neighbor…And I’m trying to get a hold of what I should now look like- function like- in each of these roles. I grapple with present role and function even while I simultaneously reach towards all that I have yet to become and walk in regarding my purpose. The internal- and sometimes external- pressure to Be and Become what I am suppose to be as quickly as possible sometimes swallows me up into a cloud of overwhelm. Nevertheless, I have no doubt that it’ll all ultimately settle into place- that I will be what I should be to those God has placed in my life and walk in the totality of all that God created me to be.

In the meantime, I exhale. I pause. I write. I release. I take deep breaths. I share… I share the pieces of my process in hopes that someone else may be helped, encouraged, comforted along the way.

With that said…I present to you Shared Pieces: Pieces of Me, the Blog part II. I dare not commit to a release schedule for entries. I’m not there yet. But what I will commit to is wholeheartedness and authenticity in what I do share.

Farewell for now.

In His Love & by His Grace,

AJM Ellis